Let her be your fantasy

Want the best sex ever? So does she, you just need to ask nicely

What's the best sex you've ever had? Now there's a question. I've often used it in my work as a sex therapist and researching my books She Comes First (Souvenir Press, £15) and the natural sequel, He Comes Next (Regan Books, £12). It uncovers memories, taboos, fantasies and, crucially, what's missing from your sex life, because men also tell me about the best sex they've never had: public sex, threesomes, domination. And though they're happy to tell a virtual stranger, they're scared to ask their partners for fear of offending or seeming weird. But you'd be amazed how easy it is to get what you want. I went back to the women and men I interviewed for my books and asked them what you should say, or do, to get the sex you want. Armed with their secrets, plus some of the guiding rules of sexual psychology, the best sex you've ever had is yours for the asking. Here's how to pose the right questions.

Ease her into a fantasy
"My boyfriend wanted sex on the beach," 28-year-old Jenny told me. "I was reluctant, but he turned me on by whispering sexy things in my ear when we were out. Now I have my own fantasy: a quickie in a lift. Beats sand in the crotch."

The lesson
Plant the idea in her mind, then let it take root. Jenny made the fantasy her own. If you're nervous, tell her you had a saucy dream. Presenting your fantasy as a dream avoids making her feel like she inadequate.

Talk before taping
There are two types of sexual arousal; reflex and psychogenic. The first is through physical touch, the second through stimulating your other senses (unclean thoughts, short skirts, perfume). Most relationships start psychogenic, becoming more reflex-based. Fantasies help by adding psychogenic stimuli. But talk first: "My boyfriend wanted to film us," one woman told me. "We got so turned on talking about it, we didn't need the camera."

The lesson
Arouse her mind. Exhibitionism and voyeurism are hugely popular for both men and women. One guy told me the key to getting his girl on film was, "giving her control over the wardrobe. I stumped up the cash and told her to buy an outfit that made her feel sexy." Also, try filming without hitting "record" – the camera's mere presence can be enough.

Let her choose the DVD
Sounds simple, but it doesn't come naturally for men used to doing certain things solo, like choosing porn. "I wasn't at ease with porn," said Heather, 26. "I felt I was competing with porn stars and their bodies. But when my boyfriend said it would be fun to watch together, I was curious. We laughed at first but then tried some of the moves. Now 'film-nights' are a regular thing."

The lesson
A Washington University School of Medicine study found women's responses to erotic imagery are as strong as men's. But they have to feel comfortable to overcome social taboos. If she's resistant, suggest sex-education videos, which aren't as intimidating (try Tracey Cox's The Lover's Guide, Universal Pictures Video, £18).

Go back to her place
If you think you have a fertile imagination, you should hear what women think about. So give her the opportunity to take the lead. "Exploring fantasies is all about making her feel she's not a freak," said Doug, 31. "My wife's a real Francophile, so I took her for an amazing French dinner then pulled out a book of erotica by Anais Nin when we were in bed."

The lesson
You're not the only one with fantasies. But a University of Vermont study found 25% of people feel guilty about theirs. Women need to be relaxed to enjoy sex, so introduce fantasies while she's deep in her comfort zone.