Easy one night stands

What to wear, what to do and how to leave her... still smiling

It's 20:00 hours, you've infiltrated the bar, your target's in view and your ammo's ready. You have until 8am tomorrow morning to complete the perfect one-night stand. It's all within reach if you follow our orders.

You're headed into enemy territory. The place will be crawling with single men who have exactly the same goal in mind as you – finding a woman. Your mission is to locate, charm and disarm your target. Here's how...

Suitable camouflage
A disguise is essential - your target must not be able to second-guess your plan of attack. Clothing must be suitable for the given task.
V-neck, grey tank top (John Smedley, £84): Soft wool will facilitate contact with target.
Button-fly jeans (G-Star Elwood, £89.95): Easy access and no risk of zip injuries.
Underwear (Tilley Travel Briefs, £12): Odour- and sweat-resistant, but best of all you can wash them at night and they'll dry by morning.
Slip-ons (Vans, £32): These will give you a creative and style-conscious image, but most importantly they're quick to kick off and slip on, and easy to run in if necessary.

Equipment supplies
Tester sample of aftershave (given free when buying your usual aftershave)
Small enough to carry on you, use it to freshen up before heading over to her place.
Trojan condoms (£9.95) Ultra thin, yet super strong.
One sachet of sensitivity-increasing lubricant (from Play Together Durex pack, £3.99) Combine this with the condom for dramatic effect – safe but explosive orgasms for both of you.
Oral-B Brush Aways 12-pack (£2.49) Disposable wipes for teeth that remove the furry clothing your teeth wear at the end of a tea-drinking day.
A tenner Not in your wallet but in the sole of your shoe. You're more likely to lose your jacket and your wallet than your shoe, and you may need emergency funds for a quick getaway in the morning.

Target location
With more single women per single men than any other city in the UK - 9 women to every 8.2 men – Liverpool should be first on your checklist. Furthermore, the figures reveal that London has the greatest proportion of cheating wives and girlfriends (46%), as well as 50,000 more single women than men. Unfortunately, the figures don't provide qualitative assessments - nor do they indicate what size of male you'd have to get past to reach your "target". We did some field research and here's two places we heartily recommend:

Modo Concert Square, Liverpool: Plenty of pert lady buttocks squeezed together on vast leather sofas, mojitos to simultaneously freshen your breath and loosen inhibitions, and latin grooves. You'll never walk alone out of this place.

The Lonsdale, Notting Hill, London: Where you'll find well-groomed, career-driven young women bemoaning their busy work schedules and their boyfriends' lack of libido. You're just filling in the gaps.

Army rations
Lunch should consist of...
Chicken: Easily digested protein giving you stamina for the task ahead.
Pumpernickel bread: With slow-release carbohydrates to keep your energy levels stable and to help line your stomach, preventing alcohol-induced sickness.
Blueberry muffin: The small blue juice balls contain more vitamin C, gram for gram, than orange juice – this will aid your body in metabolising alcohol, keeping you mentally alert. The sweetness of the muffin will make you taste sweeter too.
Do not ingest: Bananas, mushrooms or pulses – they induce flatulence. In the confines of a crowded bar, a gas attack could prove fatal.

Find a wingman
Solo missions can work, but you've got a better chance with a wingman. "Women are distrustful of lone men," says Dr Pam Spurr, author of Sinful Sex. "They come across as either desperate to meet a woman or friendless." And don't worry if your wingman's in a relationship - hanging out with a mate who's taken makes you look more innocent. "There is nothing more unappealing than a man who appears to be searching for a one-night stand," says Spurr. "Awoman needs to feel as though it was a passionate one-off, not planned."

Moving into position
The corner of the bar gives you a good vantage point from which to assess targets and you're also more likely to get served. "People who stand at the bar corner are always served first because bar staff tend to head to areas that have less of a scrum and are easier to deal with," says Annette Beardsmore, manager of the Heeltap & Bumper, Cannon Street, London.

A table towards the front of the bar is also ideal. You can see everyone who comes in and it's likely a couple of women will ask to join you if there's a seat or two free.

Flick on your radar
Don't go for the blonde with the short skirt and stilettos. "A woman who's dressed to thrill is less likely to head home with you," says Emily Dubberley, author of Brief Encounters: The Women's Guide To Casual Sex. "She's probably had several approaches from other eager men, boosting her confidence - and so you'll need to be super-confident to succeed."

Instead, go for the woman who isn't screaming for your attention. "She's with a friend or two, both of whom are brighter, brasher and louder than she is, and will be standing slightly back from the group." Dubberley adds.

Tactical manoeuvring
If she heads to the bar, join her there. Then ask her, "Do you come here often?" Seriously, it's so clichéd it'll make her laugh. "The best chat-up lines are those that make us giggle," says Pam Spurr. "Going for a line so old and overused is sure to do that. She'll know you're being ironic but she'll also know you're attracted to her."

If she's stuck to her mate like an aphid on a rose bush, you need to spray some pesticide – on her chum. The best method is to use your wingman as pest control, but if that's a no-go, ask for her help with drinks at the bar. Still not happening? Whisper to your girl: "Can you come with me for a minute? I need to ask you something about your friend." She'll think she's being a good friend by coming with you, and will be pleasantly surprised when she learns it's her you're interested in.

Preparing your missile
Boots doesn't sell menthol-flavoured penis wipes, so the best way to get your man-parts looking and tasting good is to wash first with soapy water and rinse thoroughly. Then give yourself a spritz with some mouth spray such as Oramoist (£5.49 Boots). It won't sting and will make you taste minty fresh.

Roger that
Sex with someone you don't know is rarely as good as with a partner, so here's how to make this one-night stand an exception:

Lay off the heavy artillery. Kiss, then stop, drink some wine or water, kiss some more, have a fondle, stop, drink water and so on. "Doing this will relax her," says Ford. "And the more relaxed she is, the more experimental she's likely to be in bed."

Get to know the lie of the land. This makes her feel as though you appreciate her body. "The more confident she feels about herself, the more fun you'll have," says Spurr.

Protective clothing
It has been estimated one in four women is infected with genital herpes. Go down on her without protection and you're at risk; have her go down on you and you're risking getting it from her. Have unprotected sex and you're both at risk of all kinds of STDs. To avoid the thick, yellow discharge, red sores, tingling, itching and blisters some of these can leave on your penis, put a condom on before sex. Even with a condom on, you're still at risk of some STDs, such as genital warts so it's essential you reduce your risk as much as you can by using a rubber.

Keep those bogies on your tail
The best one-night stands are those where both parties know exactly where they stand. Women, like men, are capable of enjoying good sex with someone they don't want to have breakfast with, let alone spend their lives with. But if you feed her a line about being "special" or how you're looking forward to seeing her again, then things can go awry. To avoid this, be honest. "There's no need to be brutal," says Yvonne Fulbright, author of The Hot Guide to Safer Sex. "If she asks why you're single or even what you're doing later that week, tell her you're a happy bachelor."

Extending the mission
If her wit and intelligence has blown your mind, you need to work on turning this one-off encounter into several more. If you want repeat visits, treat her well. She's vulnerable and probably feeling sheepish.

Here's what to do...
Clean up: Offer her a spare toothbrush. It'll ease bad-breath concerns.

Compliment her: She'll be thinking about her hair. "Tell her she looks sexy," says Fulbright. "It'll make her feel good."
Think ahead: "The most impressive thing a guy can do is ask for another date before she leaves," Fulbright says, "and it'll up the odds you'll share sheets again."
Slow down "Give her a shirt to lounge in," Fulbright advises. You're still on a date, so let her know you enjoy her company by not rushing her out the door.